Lately, as my what we will call stress for now has built up this recent and short span of time, I've found life, and this world, to not be less dark, but i've found that, to me at least, there is a beauty in that dark. Like I'm onto something, I can't go by a minute without some form of admiration to everything that is and isn't. Or, admiring that which lies between is and isn't, and fathoming the infinite in betweens. People amaze me, beyond any comparison I am most amazed by people. And what concerns me about expressing this is, I don't know if the action of saying that I think everything is beautiful, especially people, if that makes me less sincere or honest, or less valuable, to those that I am around. Surely I love those people, there isn't a doubt about it, but because there isn't a hate... does that mean that there isn't really a love? I've noticed that, whenever anybody truly proves one side of a story, that they prove the opposite just as much if not better, which is/isn't ironic because it is the exact opposite of their objective or goal. And it never fails, the parallels between the extremes. It confuses me, I love my family, my friends, Alexea (girlfriend, whom I always enjoy,) and I don't want any of them to think that I don't love them, or that my love, adoration, affection, fascination, etc., isn't worth anything, or shouldn't be. And that, that is something that deeply pains me, that elegantly carries a beauty that I don't know that I can withstand, accept, or fully understand it or its converse. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else. there have been people in my mind that I find utterly beautiful, and honestly perfect in my eyes, that aren't okay. But does it make sense to hold on to that so called stress of thinking about them if I'd think of anybody in that way, when we can't really say if anyone's okay. (Of course we can't say everybody isn't okay either.)
A friend of mine, he just moved, keeps interrupting my thinking. Not him literally but his fictional/emotional/psychological person that my mind elected to represent him in my own personal bunker made of glass, keeps interrupting me. I called him today to see how he was doing, because there was that awkward week and a half where I expected him to email me the next day but he never did, and I was the idiot who waited until Thanksgiving to call him. He was really happy I called him, he said it meant a lot to him. I told him that I miss him and so did everyone else, and by that I mean the two other people that actually care that your gone. He laughed and I told him that they wanted to call him too, but they weren't sure just like I was about what he wanted. he stuttered for a second saying essentially that it would be great actually and that texting them was next on his agenda. And I seriously couldn't even talk to him for more than three and a half minutes because all I could think about was how I was a much better friend to him last year when he actually seemed happy. And I don't know exactly what happened, because he didn't tell me and he didn't want to talk about it, all I know is that some shit happened with his dad and that it's gonna be fine with him being where he is because his track trainer lives there and that he'll be fine. And you know he will be but I can't get him out of my head because when he needed that close friend that I used to be I was off admiring the clouds and people and not being useful.
Another friend of mine, who is particularly intriguing (which pisses off Alexea, although she has absolutely nothing to worry about because I am continually fascinated by her no matter how boring she thinks she is,) pulls at my fascination of psychology. From what I know, this awesome artist, insecure, girl who is too concerned with how she looks and I'm fairly certain poses to appeal to a group that probably doesn't exist, starts cutting again, and I can't get that out of my head either. From some discussion with another friend we came to the conclusion that she gets so attached to a guy, that's a complete asshole no less, and fights tooth and nail to stay with him because for whatever reason that's what she believes she is supposed to do. The other day she's telling me about how her boyfriend got mad and broke up with her (I think they're already back together, probably like 6 hours later,) because she started cutting again. And as she's telling me this, I intently listen, which honestly always gets me in trouble somehow. At the end of truly venting to me, but masking it by venting to a "group", she looks at me and says, "Why do I feel like you're always studying me?" I was then saved by someone paying attention in the group saying, "I think he does that with everyone." So I didn't have to answer her. And what I struggle with here is, it's completely unfair to explain to her why I do that because that life choice is just so depressing, I'd have to be an asshole like her current boyfriend to add that to how she feels. And in case your intrigued, and because I've already blown the whole, what if saying this alters the way things are, here's why I study everyone, and everything, and stare awkwardly longer than I should; Along with all of the beloved figures hiding within the corners of my mind prodding my moral with a freaking stick is the thought that the number of breaths we all have is numbered and we don't know those numbers. And furthermore, without all the death, the directions we could all possibly go weighs heavier on the side of not maintaining contact. Therefore, I try to really listen, and care, and try to remember what that person looked like, and how they were, and how that person felt, and how that person thought of me, and if I could of possibly made is better and didn't for whatever reason. Because that could be the last time I see that person ever again. And this isn't just her. This is Alexea, this is Courtney, this is the friend I talked about above, this is about the people I influence and the people that influence me. This is what happens when I find beauty in the dark. So I study, and hope to God that she doesn't cut too far. Or that for whatever reason our paths don't line up again, or even worse where they line up but I can't do anything about it but see where I could have helped. And there is where I find beauty in this pain.
My cousin Patrick has been having kidney issues which sucks, because when you go to take a leak and surprise blood happens and your side and back decide to cripple out on you, or when you're driving no less, it is far less than ideal. He seems to be doing a little better, but the doctors don't know what's up and continue to run scans. His medical issues aren't what really cross my mind the hardest however. My cousin and I are two years apart, and we always get along great, but him being 17 and having a car... yeah he's hanging out with other people. And I do get to see him after a week of planning and getting blown off twice. I don't really know how he his.
My buddy Mitch skipped school for four days. When he came back (smelling like smoke and possibly pot,) he told me that his brother just reenlisted and that he was going over seas again, and that those four days was his leave. Him being obviously torn I asked if he was okay and that he could talk to me, my brother is over too. Days later I ask him if he's going back to karate, and he replies by informing me that he's already pre-enlisted in the Marine Corps, and that the guy who is registering him has been having him do workouts at a gym everyday, so that's where he's been.
I miss Alexea. And it hasn't been easy on her at all the whole grounding thing and limited contact that happened awhile back. I got to see her for a rounded 3 hours, watching a play at Kettering, after not seeing her for 6 weeks. And it was euphorically wonderful, but no amount of time in the world is long enough to spend with her. And I can't really just awkwardly stare at her, and study her, and take her all in. And I can't check in with her whenever I get a feeling like I should have been better to her, or let myself become fully engrossed in her intrepid capriciousness as I like to put it. I miss her. And I want to be the best friend to her and boyfriend to her more than I can possibly achieve. And I know that we're gonna be okay, her and I are so strong. With this holiday, and the awakening to what truly missing someone is like, I really hope I don't lose her, and that I can find a way to cheer her up, every single day, even with all of these restrictions. And I hope I can make her sixteenth birthday wonderful because she's been going through things, and indirectly finding all of this beautiful just as I have without even knowing it. Sweetheart I miss you.
I say all of this to hopefully help make sense of my point. I feel like the average person would have no clue why I find all of this... well crap (?), to be beautiful. And I think that the people that follow me, and the people that really care about me or about life or about anything I have to say could probably figure it out, or at least, if they didn't would consider it. Both of which are perfectly acceptable to me. I find people beautiful, interesting, and amazing for so many reasons, but all of this just proves one reason. Somehow, all of us, with all of this "stress", somehow are resilient, and fend off another day and still have room to take in beauty, and be compassionate for each other. And I highlight stress here, just like I emphasized it earlier because It's not stress really. In all honestly, this is life, this is who we are and what we go through, and how we think. More importantly how we wonder and inquire. How we, us, hunt for knowledge and understanding, and though it all are able to withstand it. and to dimension to how beauteous this is, if you were paying attention or bothered to read this all of the way through you would know that that opposite is also exemplified. Don't we go through this? I'm definitely not done with this. People are amazing. we're about the the only things that can seem to be fearless, strong enough to go through anything, and be as fragile as a stronghold made of glass. I look at all of the "life" I've listed above and don't get upset per say. But insidiously intoxicated with it all. Somehow, making me happy. I've got a long way to go in my understanding, if anyone doesn't want me to share it here please tell me. I too think that it is unfair.
Thank you all for being what you are
Listening to: Yellow Card, Flyleaf
Reading: A Tree Grows in Brooklyn
Watching: Lives change
Playing: with my emotions
Eating: everything basically
Drinking: Who Cares Really?