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Submitted on
November 22, 2012


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Lately, as my what we will call stress for now has built up this recent and short span of time, I've found life, and this world, to not be less dark, but i've found that, to me at least, there is a beauty in that dark. Like I'm onto something, I can't go by a minute without some form of admiration to everything that is and isn't. Or, admiring that which lies between is and isn't, and fathoming the infinite in betweens. People amaze me, beyond any comparison I am most amazed by people. And what concerns me about expressing this is, I don't know if the action of saying that I think everything is beautiful, especially people, if that makes me less sincere or honest, or less valuable, to those that I am around. Surely I love those people, there isn't a doubt about it, but because there isn't a hate... does that mean that there isn't really a love? I've noticed that, whenever anybody truly proves one side of a story, that they prove the opposite just as much if not better, which is/isn't ironic because it is the exact opposite of their objective or goal. And it never fails, the parallels between the extremes. It confuses me, I love my family, my friends, Alexea (girlfriend, whom I always enjoy,) and I don't want any of them to think that I don't love them, or that my love, adoration, affection, fascination, etc., isn't worth anything, or shouldn't be. And that, that is something that deeply pains me, that elegantly carries a beauty that I don't know that I can withstand, accept, or fully understand it or its converse. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else. there have been people in my mind that I find utterly beautiful, and honestly perfect in my eyes, that aren't okay. But does it make sense to hold on to that so called stress of thinking about them if I'd think of anybody in that way, when we can't really say if anyone's okay. (Of course we can't say everybody isn't okay either.)
    A friend of mine, he just moved, keeps interrupting my thinking. Not him literally but his fictional/emotional/psychological person that my mind elected to represent him in my own personal bunker made of glass, keeps interrupting me. I called him today to see how he was doing, because there was that awkward week and a half where I expected him to email me the next day but he never did, and I was the idiot who waited until Thanksgiving to call him. He was really happy I called him, he said it meant a lot to him. I told him that I miss him and so did everyone else, and by that I mean the two other people that actually care that your gone. He laughed and I told him that they wanted to call him too, but they weren't sure just like I was about what he wanted. he stuttered for a second saying essentially that it would be great actually and that texting them was next on his agenda. And I seriously couldn't even talk to him for more than three and a half minutes because all I could think about was how I was a much better friend to him last year when he actually seemed happy. And I don't know exactly what happened, because he didn't tell me and he didn't want to talk about it, all I know is that some shit happened with his dad and that it's gonna be fine with him being where he is because his track trainer lives there and that he'll be fine. And you know he will be but I can't get him out of my head because when he needed that close friend that I used to be I was off admiring the clouds and people and not being useful.
    Another friend of mine, who is particularly intriguing (which pisses off Alexea, although she has absolutely nothing to worry about because I am continually fascinated by her no matter how boring she thinks she is,) pulls at my fascination of psychology. From what I know, this awesome artist, insecure, girl who is too concerned with how she looks and I'm fairly certain poses to appeal to a group that probably doesn't exist, starts cutting again, and I can't get that out of my head either. From some discussion with another friend we came to the conclusion that she gets so attached to a guy, that's a complete asshole no less, and fights tooth and nail to stay with him because for whatever reason that's what she believes she is supposed to do. The other day she's telling me about how her boyfriend got mad and broke up with her (I think they're already back together, probably like 6 hours later,) because she started cutting again. And as she's telling me this, I intently listen, which honestly always gets me in trouble somehow. At the end of truly venting to me, but masking it by venting to a "group", she looks at me and says, "Why do I feel like you're always studying me?" I was then saved by someone paying attention in the group saying, "I think he does that with everyone." So I didn't have to answer her. And what I struggle with here is, it's completely unfair to explain to her why I do that because that life choice is just so depressing, I'd have to be an asshole like her current boyfriend to add that to how she feels. And in case your intrigued, and because I've already blown the whole, what if saying this alters the way things are, here's why I study everyone, and everything, and stare awkwardly longer than I should; Along with all of the beloved figures hiding within the corners of my mind prodding my moral with a freaking stick is the thought that the number of breaths we all have is numbered and we don't know those numbers. And furthermore, without all the death, the directions we could all possibly go weighs heavier on the side of not maintaining contact. Therefore, I try to really listen, and care, and try to remember what that person looked like, and how they were, and how that person felt, and how that person thought of me, and if I could of possibly made is better and didn't for whatever reason. Because that could be the last time I see that person ever again. And this isn't just her. This is Alexea, this is Courtney, this is the friend I talked about above, this is about the people I influence and the people that influence me. This is what happens when I find beauty in the dark. So I study, and hope to God that she doesn't cut too far. Or that for whatever reason our paths don't line up again, or even worse where they line up but I can't do anything about it but see where I could have helped. And there is where I find beauty in this pain.
    My cousin Patrick has been having kidney issues which sucks, because when you go to take a leak and surprise blood happens and your side and back decide to cripple out on you, or when you're driving no less, it is far less than ideal. He seems to be doing a little better, but the doctors don't know what's up and continue to run scans. His medical issues aren't what really cross my mind the hardest however. My cousin and I are two years apart, and we always get along great, but him being 17 and having a car... yeah he's hanging out with other people. And I do get to see him after a week of planning and getting blown off twice. I don't really know how he his.
    My buddy Mitch skipped school for four days. When he came back (smelling like smoke and possibly pot,) he told me that his brother just reenlisted and that he was going over seas again, and that those four days was his leave. Him being obviously torn I asked if he was okay and that he could talk to me, my brother is over too. Days later I ask him if he's going back to karate, and he replies by informing me that he's already pre-enlisted in the Marine Corps, and that the guy who is registering him has been having him do workouts at a gym everyday, so that's where he's been.
    I miss Alexea. And it hasn't been easy on her at all the whole grounding thing and limited contact that happened awhile back. I got to see her for a rounded 3 hours, watching a play at Kettering, after not seeing her for 6 weeks. And it was euphorically wonderful, but no amount of time in the world is long enough to spend with her. And I can't really just awkwardly stare at her, and study her, and take her all in. And I can't check in with her whenever I get a feeling like I should have been better to her, or let myself become fully engrossed in her intrepid capriciousness as I like to put it. I miss her. And I want to be the best friend to her and boyfriend to her more than I can possibly achieve. And I know that we're gonna be okay, her and I are so strong. With this holiday, and the awakening to what truly missing someone is like, I really hope I don't lose her, and that I can find a way to cheer her up, every single day, even with all of these restrictions. And I hope I can make her sixteenth birthday wonderful because she's been going through things, and indirectly finding all of this beautiful just as I have without even knowing it. Sweetheart I miss you.
    I say all of this to hopefully help make sense of my point. I feel like the average person would have no clue why I find all of this... well crap (?), to be beautiful. And I think that the people that follow me, and the people that really care about me or about life or about anything I have to say could probably figure it out, or at least, if they didn't would consider it. Both of which are perfectly acceptable to me. I find people beautiful, interesting, and amazing for so many reasons, but all of this just proves one reason. Somehow, all of us, with all of this "stress", somehow are resilient, and fend off another day and still have room to take in beauty, and be compassionate for each other. And I highlight stress here, just like I emphasized it earlier because It's not stress really. In all honestly, this is life, this is who we are and what we go through, and how we think. More importantly how we wonder and inquire. How we, us, hunt for knowledge and understanding, and though it all are able to withstand it. and to dimension to how beauteous this is, if you were paying attention or bothered to read this all of the way through you would know that that opposite is also exemplified. Don't we go through this? I'm definitely not done with this. People are amazing. we're about the the only things that can seem to be fearless, strong enough to go through anything, and be as fragile as a stronghold made of glass. I look at all of the "life" I've listed above and don't get upset per say. But insidiously intoxicated with it all. Somehow, making me happy. I've got a long way to go in my understanding, if anyone doesn't want me to share it here please tell me. I too think that it is unfair.

Thank you all for being what you are
  • Listening to: Yellow Card, Flyleaf
  • Reading: A Tree Grows in Brooklyn
  • Watching: Lives change
  • Playing: with my emotions
  • Eating: everything basically
  • Drinking: Who Cares Really?

Beautifulby determinedscholar

Journals / Personal©2012-2014 determinedscholar
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LegalEvil Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I feel sometimes like I am interested in people. I too like to study people, and how they communicate and interact and what they do, besides how I communicate, interact, and why my customs are. I feel like I've gained an understanding of what people like and what they don't, when to say something and exactly what it would be and to what extent. How to detect exactly when someone feels the way they do. I like to remember everything people say and their disposition on something. I like studying all the tiny details in things and how they might pertain to something else. Things that other people might not catch. It's interesting to me. I feel as if I want to transcend above the normal human expectancy of social ability and intellect.

This being said, I think about how vast and ineffably Brobdingnagian the universe is, and how one person is barely a drop in the ocean, but we were put on the earth to absorb life and live, to transpose beyond the basic life function of reproducing.

After that, I realize I'm not doing much more than anybody else is. I'm not superior in any way. I'm just another shit at her computer with little or nothing to do. I go out and think people are interesting, but am frequently disappointed with they way that they actually are. To exemplify this,the cynical, narcissistic assholes that don't understand how to control their thoughts and push everyone out of their way. The hypocritical scene and emo kids who think life is just a pit of unending torture to them, and don't want to be labeled but have no problem doing so to everybody else. The wannabes. All the swagfags solely interested and self destructive behavior and being cool. Most of the time. These are the kind of people that I feel like I know solely from meeting them the first time. Which is prejudice, but a reality.

It takes a lot to hate somebody. You could dislike somebody very easily, but hate is the converse of love. It's sorta creepy to think of it like that. Like somebody you hate is your insignificant other. People are attracted to those similar to them. Same interests. They don't like people that are opposite of them. Or who have done something to upset them or somebody who they're acquainted with. It's hard to see past something like that. It overshadows a chance for reconciliation and establishes a 'hate'.

But then I think about how the human society works. It's incredible really, how we're able to communicate in different languages and different beliefs and customs and tradition, with democracy's weird. We're not like animals, we're the only organisms on the earth that have this. And we kill more of our own kind than any other life form does. It's scary.

And beside that, we're animals when we're born. But that changes once we grow up with the civilized. We change emotionally and in the basic sense, physically. Growing up is intriguing, even if the process may result in something dull. They influence everybody has to one person and how that reflects back to others in a different but similar way.

But I've gone off topic, and probably your general point, but I know what you mean by finding beauty in darkness. There's always something to admire beyond the surface of what your senses can apprehend. And I just want to immerse myself in it.
determinedscholar Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012  Student General Artist
I don't know if I am a person, but I like people that are opposite of me. But that just isn't how influence works.
And not off topic, right on point.
LegalEvil Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
What I mean by opposites I'm a pretty calm person, I don't like people who are loud or obnoxious, or that have polar opposite interests than I do, or are just arrogant. But there are other people like them, and they tend to be friends. That's what I've observed.

And influence, it depends on who or what you're surrounded with. Your parents and family have a lot of influence. I.E the entire family I saw at Meijer all wearing Spartan gear for an upcoming game, or something. If you have an entirely different view on things, you most likely got it from somebody else, or from the media, television. And they got it from somebody else, and they got it from somebody else, etcetera etcetera. Ideas seem to branch off of other ideas perhaps subliminally or quite obviously. But anyway, everything you're surrounded with can affect it.
EtchedinDreams Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Student Writer
I feel like I just read a short excerpt from a John Green book. Maybe that would explain why I started flat out crying near the middle there.

Also by the way, in response to this: "People amaze me, beyond any comparison I am most amazed by people. And what concerns me about expressing this is, I don't know if the action of saying that I think everything is beautiful, especially people, if that makes me less sincere or honest, or less valuable, to those that I am around. Surely I love those people, there isn't a doubt about it, but because there isn't a hate... does that mean that there isn't really a love?"
- You can still admire people in any way shape or form, but still think they're not exactly great or good. Case in point: wow, Hitler was a morally horrid person, but he was a pretty good public speaker, leader, and surprisingly, artist. Funny how that works out.

Here's the thing: people are tragic, wonderful, sad, happy, troubled, afraid, horrible, amazing, pathetic, valiant, vengeful, all of the above and more simultaneously. We're incredibly complex things, in literally any way you look at humanity. It's hard to hate something that remarkable. And we're all remarkable. It happens, inevitably, and is something that we can't control no matter what happens and even if we can't always see it, it's still there. When you see everybody from their own point of view, you can't hate anybody. That's the thing about people, and understanding each other; I think hate is most commonly just people misunderstanding each other and viewing the other person in a sort of selfish way. I personal try not to "hate" anybody frankly because there's nobody that bothers me that much(I'll say hate, but I use the word as a joke more often than not). (Even girl mentioned above, don't hate her, by the way. It doesn't piss me off that she's interesting, I'm just jealous that she sees you way more often than I do. adfhsfj, that's what pisses me off) But just because I don't hate people doesn't mean I can't hate certain things. I can hate how some people still think it's cool to discriminate and tease people based on their sexuality and I can hate how people in Africa are starving for food and water while in America there's eleven year olds getting tablets and iPhones for their birthdays. I'm not going to hate a specific person for buying their kid and iPhone though, because realistically, they're just trying to make their kids happy-albeit in a rather materialistic way- but still. But I can hate the unfairness in it, right?

And that's just how it works, you know? People are literally all beautiful whether it's a tragic kind of beautiful or a happy kind of beautiful or a strange kind of beautiful. Because we're all complicated right down to our cores, and the world is a beautiful disaster.

I've always accepted it as an indisputable fact that every human being on earth is beautiful anyways, though. Whether or not I specifically "like" them or not personally. c;

Personally, I think it's really sad and overwhelming that no matter how hard I try I'll probably never be able to see anybody specifically clear, a) because lots and lots of people purposely muddle up how they're perceived to other people for their own reasons and you can never actually know if they're lying or not, and b) because it's just kind of impossible. I could tell someone every single detail about myself and my life and they'd still never know exactly what it's like to be me, you know? We're all just making guesstimations about each other and hoping we're right and believing we are by consistently editing that view by the conversations we have and the things we perpetually learn about each other. (am I rambling yet?)

And I also think it's really overwhelming and sad that everyone I meet has a story, a life, difficult problems they're going through, etc that I may not ever actually know about and can't even imagine what they are because people don't belt their life stories out to strangers. But we all have tons of things going on in our lives. It's kind of scary, and more supporting evidence fact that we're all beautiful.

Also, hey cutie, that second sentence in your last paragraph: "I feel like the average person would have no clue why I find all of this... well crap (?), to be beautiful." What is "average person", when everyone is beautiful and amazing? =P (teehee I'm a meanie but you know I'm kidding)

"Insidiously intoxicated" is my new favorite alliteration.

I miss you too sweetheart. Tons.

I feel like I'm rambling a bit, jeez. This comment took me a long time to type out and my fingers are tired, hopefully I didn't accidentally say something confusing? Blah. I ramble lots.
determinedscholar Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Student General Artist
Love, you know me better than that ; ). I already commented how if you say something is, the opposite always seems to venture out of it's open hiding place. Saying there are average people was my attempt at a clever depiction of what people are, which you so just highlighted for me : P.
EtchedinDreams Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Student Writer
Yeah yeah. Okay. Sure. Mhm. c;
TheSimpsonsFanGirl Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012  Student General Artist
Caleb you have a way with words.
Even if you don't want to pursue writing as your main career do me a favor and write a novel one day.
this made me cry, in a good way.
determinedscholar Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012  Student General Artist
Cheshire, that was wordy and long and incomplete. I'll write a novel, but the number of revisions will most likely exceed 15 rewrites.
TheSimpsonsFanGirl Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Student General Artist
that's how life works though
determinedscholar Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Student General Artist
Thank you for reading ; )
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